Reflection

As we start the new year, it’s always refreshing to go back and look at how the past year fared and how much you learned in the process. There has to be some good in looking into the past and figuring out what went wrong and what went absolutely right.

I can’t say the first half of 2015 was easy for me in particular. Going through a rough time both emotionally and physically hit me hard, and I really came to appreciate those around me. I firmly believe that if you have a solid support system of family and friends, you can overcome anything.

Things started to pick up in August when I started talking to someone who got the real me instantly, who had the most caring mind on the planet, and who I developed feelings for without even knowing what was happening.

Falling in love is scary, because you’re letting your heart lock onto another’s and it hurts in a good way. You’re trusting them not to break it. Luckily, I found my other half. I truly believe in that.

Once October came round, I was both the happiest I’d ever been, but also the saddest. I got together with my boyfriend, but lost my nan around the same time. How do you deal with those two conflicting emotions? How do you comprehend the love you have found but also cope with the biggest loss of your life so far?

Again, my support system of family, friends, and my amazing boyfriend helped me through it. And even thought I still miss my nan, I know she’s out of pain and she knew we loved her.

Christmas 2015, however, has been the best one I’ve ever had. Here’s me, secure in my job, secure in myself, surrounded by the best family and friends, and getting to spend my first Christmas being able to spoil everyone I love. In turn, I was spoiled, with my most favourable gifts being this laptop I’m now writing on and my beautiful new ghds.

So, for the first time in a very long time, I’m ready to face 2016. Sure, going back to work today was hard. Going from spending every day in the company of loved ones and then abruptly going back to work where it’s not acceptable to do nothing all day is one of the hardest things ever.

Looking into 2016 however, I am excited for what’s to come. I have so much planned, and because I’m so happy right now, I know this could be a really good year.

In summary, I can’t believe how quick this year has gone. Like, the last thing I knew, it was January and I was at the lowest I’ve ever been in my life, and now I am at the absolute highest. Funny how much can change in a year.

This year though, has been one of the most up and down emotionally. I brought 2015 in thinking I was happy, when in fact everything about me was retracting away and the life was being sucked out of me.

I’m ending 2015 having met the love of my life, achieved permanent status in my job, and generally becoming comfortable with who I am.

The biggest lessons of the year, for me, are trust your gut instinct, and trust that things do get better. Because they really do. 

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Something to hold on to

We’re barely a quarter of the way through this year and it’s already been a particularly eventful one for me. And not in a good way.

I don’t want to go into details on here, that’s not what this blog is about. It’s just a way for me to put my feelings out there instead of keeping them bottled up inside and having them turn around in my head over and over until I’m dreaming about them every night.

God, that sounds dramatic. I’m not dramatic. And that’s exactly why I’m using my anonymous blog for this.

So I’m feeling like absolute shit for about the third time this year. If you’ve been there, you know it sucks. And you try to find something to hold onto. Anything to distract you from the internal pain.

But it’s hard. You’ve got family. You’ve got friends. They help. Of course they do. But there’s still things you have to do yourself to fight against the pain.

There’s this one Supernatural episode called Hunter Heroici, and it focuses on this old guy who is living in his head, holding onto cartoons to get him through life. That’s me. I hold onto whatever I can: Supernatural, books, music. Because if I don’t, I’d be lost. I’d be a shell of myself, and I can’t let it get to that point.

The thing with me is feelings hit me hard: love, hate, anger, desperation. And I’ve been through them all this year already. So writing this helps. Voicing my feelings helps. It doesn’t fix how I’m feeling. That takes a lot of time. But it helps distract me, and the way I’m feeling right now, I need all the distractions I can get.

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What NOT to do at the cinema

So I've just been to see Noah, which I did not enjoy for two main reasons:

One, the film itself gave me a bad feeling. You know as soon as you've left the cinema whether you liked the film or not, and this one just made me feel depressed and different and like something was completely wrong. I'm not saying the effects or the acting weren't good, because they were, just that if I had to describe the film I'd say it was like Supernatural's version of the story of Noah, but gone horrendously wrong.

The film aside - which I can do nothing to change - the other reason I did not enjoy my experience was because of the cinema-goers who ruined it for me. Two women who sat behind me yapped ALL THE WAY THROUGH. You think I'm joking but I literally heard them talking about their plans for next week with a running commentary of the current on-scene action in between. 

Whispering now and again if you notice an obvious bit of foreshadowing or spot a famous actor - that's fine. But literally talking throughout the film right by my ear is just something I cannot accept. I shushed them and shook my head a few times but they didn't notice because they were too busy yapping!

Their particular strategy involved only talking when the movie got particularly loud, so as the whole cinema wouldn't notice. They were good, but I noticed. As I sat there, wishing I hadn't noticed them and trying not to think of ways I could hit them, I thought: These must be regular movie yappers. After all, they quit during the quiet parts and once the movie ended they practically bolted out the exit. Strategic moves if I ever saw any.

I swear, when I watch a movie, I sink into it. I live it with the actors. I would like to ask these people, these yapping movie goers who have no consideration for anyone else, what exactly they are paying £7 for when they don't even watch the movie??

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Laughter is the best medicine?

I laugh a lot. And by ‘a lot’ I mean ‘whenever something is remotely funny I shall laugh unnecessarily longer than anyone else’.

This is something that I cannot help. If something little happens that might be strange or unexpected, I will laugh along with everything else. But the thing with me is that I continue laughing after everyone else has already stopped. And when I think about it more, it becomes even funnier and I’m literally bursting with laughter.

I’m pretty sure most people think I’m crazy or weird when I laugh. My eyes stream tears and I can’t breathe. But when I watch other people, they don’t seem to be having a hard time of it like I do. Like, I literally cannot control myself.

An example of the last time that this happened to me was, in fact, today. I was sorting something out with a colleague on the computer and it was taking a long time – you know how computers are sometimes. Every time it didn’t work the way we’d hope I would laugh. The hours went on and I got crazier – probably more delusional – and I couldn’t stop laughing at anything funny that happened or something witty someone said. I had to sit there with my lips pressed together for fear of completely losing it.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, and if that’s true then I must be super healthy because I do enough laughing for everyone

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Sky Living? More like Sky Dying.

I'm furious. I'm devastated. My favourite show, a really important show to me, has been dropped by Sky Living.

Now, Sky Living have never been very good at bringing us Supernatural. It's been getting later and later every single year. Last year, we got season 8 in the summer, so close to when season 9 was due to air in the US.

When it first began, Supernatural was on ITV2, and we got to see it in the January after the US got it in the September. I can deal with that. I don't mind waiting a little as long as we get it in the end.

The announcement that the channel has dropped Supernatural has left a hole in my stomach. I got tears in my eyes when I thought about it not being on our TV any more or us not being able to buy the DVD (I know I can watch it online but it's not the same).

Sky Living haven't even given an excuse. Their decisions have made me so angry and upset but they can't even be bothered to explain why. Even if they did have a reason, there has to have been something they could have done to save it. Why couldn't they just continue airing it??

Sky Living says 'We understand fans of the show may be disappointed by this news and we want to reassure you that we appreciate your passion for TV, Sky Living and these shows in particular.' Yeah, I'm sure you do. That's why you're being so nonchalant about this.

They go on to say 'Please be assured that here at Sky Living we're committed to bringing you a fantastic line up of new shows in 2014'. I DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHER SHOWS I ONLY WANT SUPERNATURAL.

I have set up a petition here, so please sign it. I have to do something, and this is the only thing I could think of that would see the most light due to social media and the Internet.

I hope to God that this post will become null soon because another channel picks it up (I'm looking at you ITV2 - make up for dropping it last time you had it! Or maybe another channel might see how good the show is and save it for us. Please!)

Sky Living have just been taking the mick for years now. The Supernatural on Sky Living Facebook page would be almost hilarious if I wasn't so angry: it's so active during the airing of Supernatural in the UK and then the poster goes AWOL as soon as it ends. All of the UK fans are left hanging, wondering when the next season will grace our screens.

I seriously don't think they get it. It isn't just a show to me. I love it so much more than your average show. That's why it's such a devastating announcement.

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Fall Out Boy - NIA Birmingham 16/03/14

I should have really written this as soon as I got back last night because I was so overwhelmed with the gig, but here goes anyway.

Fall Out Boy were everything I wanted them to be, and more. I enjoyed myself so much, I literally had tears in my eyes seeing Patrick, Pete, Joe, and Andy up close.

Somewhere inside me, my 14 year old self was screaming – oh, what the hell: I was screaming. It was so worth the 7 hour wait, the elbows in the stomach, the crippling back and feet pain, being crushed by huge guys, being in the vicinity of some poor guy throwing up, as well as almost falling over a million times.

I’ve never been to a gig that has swayed so much. I expect pushing and shoving, but this went on for a while. It didn’t hinder my enjoyment though, and soon enough Patrick and Pete were getting worried so Pete told us all to take a step back. It’s always so nice to see your heroes live, and have them confirm how talented and genuine they are.

I sang along to every single song, and by the end my throat was raw and I could have downed a thousand bottles of water. Afterwards, I kept replaying every moment over in my head so as not to lose it.

Like the bit in Young Volcanoes where Patrick says 'assholes' then laughs, he didn’t do the laugh thing live but he moved away from the mic and laughed as if to say it's a bad word and shouldn’t be said in front of so many people. Like the way Joe and Pete put their heads together and jammed. And both Andy’s and Joe’s solos. And Pete saying My Songs was a shout out all the fans. And during I Don't Care Patrick and Pete proper pumping up the crowd. And the acoustic of Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner (almost cried). I just cannot describe it well enough to do it justice.

Now, today, post gig depression has kicked in already, but I’ve got that feeling of empowerment I only experience after a gig. Like nothing anyone can say or do will touch me because I’ve just come from one of the best gigs of my life, I’ve seen one of my favourite bands up close, and I’ve survived almost 5 hours of physical strain. Nothing can kill this high.

 

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Getting on my good side

It’s always nice to walk into work and see a surprise on your desk. Despite the ominous sounding nature of that sentence, I was actually not being sarcastic and there was something nice and surprising on my desk this morning: a book.

If you know me, a sure way of getting on my good side is to feed me with books. I love books. Books that I can read over and over, books that I can collect and stare at, books I can sniff – but definitely not books that broke records for being bad fanfiction. Definitely not those kind of books.

Anyway, I’m straying from the topic. The main aim of this morning’s ramblings is to say I am happy because I got given a book from a colleague at work. Again. Spoilt rotten, I am.

And it smells so good. Like a new book that’s been on the shelf for a bit, so it’s kind of a dusty smell, but combined with the pages of the book it’s probably one of the best smells in the world.

I’m not insane, I swear.

(<short rant>I shall accept books of any genre except badfanfiction that are poor excuses for literature. </short rant>)

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