Something to hold on to

We’re barely a quarter of the way through this year and it’s already been a particularly eventful one for me. And not in a good way.

I don’t want to go into details on here, that’s not what this blog is about. It’s just a way for me to put my feelings out there instead of keeping them bottled up inside and having them turn around in my head over and over until I’m dreaming about them every night.

God, that sounds dramatic. I’m not dramatic. And that’s exactly why I’m using my anonymous blog for this.

So I’m feeling like absolute shit for about the third time this year. If you’ve been there, you know it sucks. And you try to find something to hold onto. Anything to distract you from the internal pain.

But it’s hard. You’ve got family. You’ve got friends. They help. Of course they do. But there’s still things you have to do yourself to fight against the pain.

There’s this one Supernatural episode called Hunter Heroici, and it focuses on this old guy who is living in his head, holding onto cartoons to get him through life. That’s me. I hold onto whatever I can: Supernatural, books, music. Because if I don’t, I’d be lost. I’d be a shell of myself, and I can’t let it get to that point.

The thing with me is feelings hit me hard: love, hate, anger, desperation. And I’ve been through them all this year already. So writing this helps. Voicing my feelings helps. It doesn’t fix how I’m feeling. That takes a lot of time. But it helps distract me, and the way I’m feeling right now, I need all the distractions I can get.